


day 18: a room full of my safest sounds

by halfwheeze



Series: thirty ways to wreck a train [18]
Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: pining!shane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-28
Updated: 2018-03-28
Packaged: 2019-04-13 22:28:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14122179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/halfwheeze/pseuds/halfwheeze
Summary: He knows that he feels safest when their fingers are laced, when he can hardly tell Ryan’s fingers from his own in the way that their hands seem to go together perfectly.





	day 18: a room full of my safest sounds

**Author's Note:**

> hi! this is day eighteen of a 30-day series I'm trying out! I can't say that I'll be fantastic at it, but I'm gonna try!
> 
> day eighteen is holding hands! hope you enjoy!

He knows that he feels safest when their fingers are laced, when he can hardly tell Ryan’s fingers from his own in the way that their hands seem to go together perfectly. When he is sad and loses himself, when Ryan is scared and beneath the dropping weight of his wit’s end, their hands end up holding each other, even if Shane is too scared to hold Ryan in all the ways he already knows he wants to. He wasn’t supposed to feel anything, it was supposed to just be a friend thing, he thinks, thinks is was supposed to be something for comfort and not much else. He doesn’t know all of the details. 

He isn’t exactly sure when it started, actually, but he knows that it’s been several months, at the very least. He’s surprised he hadn’t started catching feelings earlier, knowing his track record, but it seems like it’s only happening now. The feeling of shorter fingers between his, a wider palm against the rough pad of his inner palm, the hard knobs of his friend’s fingers, all of these are reasons to fall in love, and Shane cannot afford to fall in love. They have Unsolved to worry about, and he has Ruining History and they have so many other responsibilities, and Shane can’t afford to have a breakdown and distract either of them from any of that. He just wants Ryan close to him, but can’t commit to the idea of Ryan being close to him  _ all the time  _ (except in all the ways he wants to commit to just that). 

They’re on public transit holding hands now, like this is something that normal people with normal friendships and no feelings do; maybe it is. Maybe Shane doesn’t know anything about friendship as well as love, because he remembers Ryan saying that and maybe Shane felt it at the time. Earlier, Shane’s leg had been bouncing, but it’s still now; that’s why Ryan had grabbed his hand in the first place, he thinks. Or maybe it’s that Ryan feels anxious when chairs are dirty sometimes and this is a fucking bus, or maybe it’s because Ryan  _ wants this  _ or maybe he knows that Shane does and he wants to make Shane happy. Somehow, that’s the saddest thought of all, and Shane needs to migrate from this delineation of thinking or it’s gonna make him sadder than usual. 

“You okay, big guy?” Ryan asks, squeezing his hand to grab his attention and looking up at him with soft, concerned eyes. He’s so pretty and Shane likes him so much, and Shane can’t say a fucking thing about it, because, to Ryan, they’re just friends and that’s all they’ll ever be. Shane just nods and relegates himself to looking out of the window, willing himself not to be tempted to look back at Ryan. Ryan who, of course, immediately taps the back of Shane’s hand, not believing him for a moment. 

“If I get off of this bus at the next stop, will you come with me?” Ryan asks next, and Shane just nods again, willing, more or less, to do anything Ryan would want. Ryan allows his silence this time, taking their clasped hands further into his lap so that both of his hands are holding one of Shane’s, stroking the back and playing with his fingers. It makes Shane feel calmer in a way that makes him feel like he’s burning from the inside out, so, to say, not any calmer at all, but rather freaking out in another way entirely. The bus stops shortly thereafter and Ryan leads them out by their linked hands, immediately leading Shane to a public bench that’s free of other humans in about a ten foot radius. Shane sits down next to Ryan automatically. Neither of them let go of the other’s hand. 

“What are we doing out here, Ry?” Shane sighs, finally actually looking at Ryan, who raises his eyebrow in return. 

“What’s up, Shane? Something is obviously up with you,” Ryan says, level and contemplative, and generally acting like Shane is just one more mystery to solve. It’s not really a bad look to be on the opposite end of; Shane doesn’t mind being one of Ryan’s passions, even if the wording of that gets away from him in his head. He wishes it were true in the way his brain likes to crack jokes about. 

“What are we doing here, Ry?” Shane asks again, though this time he holds up their clasped hands, emphasizing the point to Ryan by squeezing a little, though it’s more soft affection than anything else. Ryan looks at their hands and looks back at Shane and then looks down, but he never takes his hand away, so that’s more than Shane was expecting. The streetlights give Ryan a strong look, like he’s outlined in light and power, and he looks a dazzling, startling kind of good. The problem is that he’s still not looking at Shane, nor saying anything. Shane feels braver because Ryan is scared, and he puts two of the fingers of his free hand beneath Ryan’s chin and tilts his head up. “You okay, little guy?” he misquotes, pouring affection and concern into it. 

“I… I want to hang out with you more, even though we’re, like, lining each other’s pockets. I want to hold your hand more, even though we hold hands all the time. I want to… kiss you. Even though we’re just friends,” Ryan explains, disjointed with spaces between, but Shane still understands. 

“You couldn’t have just told me?” Shane jokes, the fingers on Ryan’s chin moving to become his whole hand cupping Ryan’s face. Ryan squeezes his hand and Shane almost pulls away from this entire endeavor before he catches the look on Ryan’s face - Ryan already looks  _ wrecked,  _ looks like he’s wanted this just as long as Shane has, maybe even a little longer. Maybe a lot longer. 

“You sure about this?” Ryan asks, reverent and low, when they’re a few scant inches away from each other. 

“Sure as I’ve ever been in my life,” Shane says, pushing just a breath further, and he’s kissing Ryan Bergara. It’s shocking, how quickly kissing Ryan Bergara goes to being kissed  _ by _ Ryan Bergara, to his face being cradled by a rough hand, goes to Ryan pushing closer to him and Shane feeling fucking  _ consumed.  _ It takes a few moments of Ryan’s tongue in his mouth for Shane to be able to think again, let alone make logical conclusions, and that’s when he realises that they’re still on a public bench. In public. In Midtown. Several miles from the neighborhood they share. They need to call an Uber. 

“Ry, Ry, Ry, shortstack, babe, little guy,” Shane says as he’s trying to push Ryan away a little, but Ryan keeps leaving little kisses on his mouth and Shane can’t find it in himself to push him away harder. 

“Babe?” Ryan asks, eyebrows raised in a teasing manner, but with his face getting a little redder around the edges. Oh, now, that’s a fucking staple. That’s a nickname with a reason, baby!

“Yeah, babe. Anyway, we need to call an Uber, yeah?” Shane says, looking out into the darkness around them. 

“Shit!” 

**Author's Note:**

> Leave me a prompt @halfwheeze on tumblr, and I'll get to it when I can!


End file.
